One Liner News for Friday…of toilets and a Wikipedia faux pas. We can’t think about much else – we’re getting ready for Survivor at Peakerman’s Penthouse tonight!

Richardson to Legalize Medical Marijauna
…All VW buses in America are now traveling towards New Mexico .

Wikipedia Falsely Reports Sinbad’s Death
…Did he bomb that bad – wait, does he even perform anymore ?

Best Toilet Ever
…I can pee clearly now.

One Liner News about unlikely connections between strippers and really boring things like voting and chess. We know – it’s totally weird and random!

Heather Mills: “I’ll always love Paul.”
…We’d always love anyone who could potentially give us a $56 million divorce settlement too!

Pot Smoker to Keep Fighting
…Now when have you seen a pothead fight anything?

Apathetic Voters Tempted with Free Strip Club Entry
…Extra polling workers now needed to handle expected onslaught of frat boys and middle-aged men desperately trying to cling to their youth.

Carmen Elektra Wipes Out on the Runway
…Marking the first time in ages a sober celeb takes a fall – even Britney can stay upright .

Young Chess Prodigy Runs Away, Lives with Stripper
…We fully expect Murray Head to use this as the inspiration to write “One Night in Bangkok Part 2” -- except technically this would be about nights in Brazil.

Leave a comment and chime in on One Liner News. Heather will blog back and forth with you. Who says the peanut gallery doesn't get to comment? Come on, this is The Peak.

One Liner News! Heather here, and today it’s from an actual e-mail exchange Mary and I had yesterday.

Remember the One Liner News item from yesterday about the Atari pong t-shirt?

Well, that got Mary and I e-mailing – as we often do instead of working. Whatever you could call “working” at the Peak anyway…

-----Original Message-----
From: Heather the slacking geek
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 9:54 AM
To: Mary and other Peak slackers
Subject: The perfect Peak prize!

Maybe I'm a geek, but this
would be a pretty cool Peak prize...

So then Mary replies:

From: Mary Reilly
Sent: Tue 3/13/2007 11:09 AM
To: Heather the slacking geek
RE: The perfect Peak prize!

Imagine the way it would look on someone who has really big "twins"!!

Then I actually take a moment to think…and come up with this:

-----Original Message-----
From: Heather the funny slacking geek
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 11:02 AM
To: Mary Reilly
Subject: RE: The perfect Peak prize!

Would that make it a big screen?

Thanks, folks, I’m here all week. Tip your bartenders and waitresses. No, really – I am here all week covering for Monica. Except Friday, when we’ll ALL be at Peakerman’s Party!

What, you didn’t get your tickets
?

One Liner News: Enjoyable Even If You Have ADD. What?

Animated Atari Pong T-Shirt
…Finally, a reason to stare at the IT guy’s chest instead of the secretary!


200 Dogs Killed in India Campaign
…Yet a cow can just meander wherever it wants in India.


Late Mortgage Payments Reach High
…For those that even own homes anymore.

True One Liner News of only one line:

Former President Bush Hospitalized After Collapsing
…Dang, and our money was on Cheney.

One Liner News, with an extra line thrown in once in a while because we just can’t help it!
Wrestling in Top Spot in Cable Ratings
…And people say they watch the Discovery Channel, yeah right.

Demand for Corn Driving Up Meat Prices
…Going green makes your chicken cost more, go figure.

11 Confessions of a T-Mobile Sales Rep
…now that is a random act of kindness!

Priests to Purify Site After Bush Visit
…Wonder what lengths they’d go to if ‘Danger Cheney’ paid a visit? Cheney wanted to go but they wouldn’t allow it pointing out that wherever he goes, people get maimed or killed.

Cherry Blossoms to Peak by Festival
…Wait, how are they getting the cherry trees to the Peak in time for the Tempe Music Festival?

external link
…The singer won’t give up until she falls in love with a Texas cowboy, which is nice because men who saddle up on horses are much better than men who saddle up on bicycles, right?

Today’s One Liner News hits below the belt!

The ‘Burger King’ Will Have His Own Movie
…See, there really will be a worse movie to come along than Mariah Carey’s Glitter.

Obama Pays Parking Tickets Ten Years Late
…giving new meaning to an old cliché: “a day late and a dollar short.”

Calvin Klein’s New Perfume: The Scent of a Blogger
…But who wants to smell like someone sitting in their pajamas at their laptop, incidentally the exact smell of Heather and Steve?

Man Burns Genitals in ‘Jackass’ Stunt
…You know, most normal people try to avoid a burning sensation ‘down there.’

Mr. Bean: Trouser Problems
…A video oddly reminiscent of any night at Peakerman’s penthouse.

Dog Named Lassie Dies Rescuing Elderly Couple From House Fire
…However, Timmy is still stuck in the well.

So sorry about that last one. Couldn’t help it.

One Liner News makes easy targets of Star Jones Reynolds and George Michael today. Yes, we should be ashamed, very ashamed.

George Michael faces another drug charge
…that’s still an upgrade from other charges he’s faced in the past!


Turkey Censors YouTube
…and an entire country is robbed of lip-synching teenagers and ‘Will it Blend’ hilarity.

Will It Blend?


Elvis Voters Alert Suspicious Minds in New Guinea
…if your daughter were a scientologist, you’d get that far away too.


Naomi Campbell to Scrub New York Floors Over Phone Rage Incident
…We’re just hoping she signs a deal to advertise cell phones over this so we no longer have to watch dweebs in polo shirts on TV.


Star Jones Reynolds Lands at Court TV
...Her show will focus on the connections between law and pop culture, maybe even examining things to not do when Barbara Walters is your boss.

One Liner News Proves We Aren't Entirely Stupid

One Liner News is our chance to play with real headlines! This ain't CNN, baby.

Barenaked Ladies: New Album Free! No DRM. Now.
…It starts free, but the market drives the prices up, so download FAST!

Test if you are stupid!
…surprisingly, the One Liner News writer is only 26% stupid.





Last chance for Southeast Louisiana.
…dunno – we’ve got dibs on Venice going first.

Cheney popping blood thinners.
…Just when you thought adrenaline-seeking ”Danger Cheney” was all out of ideas, he finds a new way to flirt with death called deep vein thrombosis.

Paper Drops Ann Coulter Column Over Her Use of Slur.
…Meanwhile, Michael Richards is so dang happy he’s no longer the biggest jerk in America, he’s sending Coulter flowers (which will wilt once they are near her).

It’s the Monday morning weekend-hangover edition of One Liner News. If you’re hung over from the weekend today, this could serve you even better than the hair of the dog that bit you.

Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
…Gustav the ostrich was never the same after being forced to watch hours of Ann Coulter video.

Nudists Sweat it Out at Dutch Gym
…this could give new meaning to “little Dutch boy.”

Twenty-five years ago today, John Belushi died
…no one has come along with a good zit-popping joke since.

Seven Helpful Tips to Immediately Increase Your Confidence
…1) Look in the mirror, realize you aren’t scrawny, mean Ann Coulter and feel really good.

The wiseacre comments listed in One Liner News do not reflect the views of the Peak Staff or its advertisers and wealthy benefactors – Peakerman included. We actually have no idea who writes this stuff or how it gets on our blog. But if it helps you waste your boss’s broadband connection, then it’s all good.