One Liner News! Because a smart mouth is a terrible thing to waste. Or was that a dirty mind? Whatever.

Pot Shrinks Tumors; Government Knew In ‘74
…The biggest human experiement going would therefore be how many Dead Heads have never experienced a tumor.

Dog Owners ‘Fleeced’ In Poodle Scam
…So thousands have bought sheep they thought were actually poodles…giving new meaning to the famous last words, “I didn’t know it was a sheep at the time!”

Cancer Fighting Drug Found In Dirt
…Always the last place you look!

Russians To Build Tunnel To North America
…Most people just take a cruise to Alaska.

One Liner News! Making fun of the news one line at a time.

Dude Passed Out on Gas Pedal Blows Up Car
…Talk about a rude awakening…

First Habitable Planet Outisde Of The Solar System Discoverd
…Finally, a place we can put Don Imus, Paris Hilton, and Alec Baldwin.

Music Goodness: 10 Best Bands Of The 90s
…All in all not a bad list.

One Liner News! One would guess father’s day isn’t happening for a couple celebrity dads…

Robotic Falcons Enlisted To Fight Pigeons
…Because those buggers are that dangerous.

Alec Baldwin Calls Daughter A ‘Rude Thoughtless Little Pig’
…He makes Joe Jackson look like Ward Cleaver to the point that Michael Jackson is almost jealous of the Baldwin kid.

Father Lays Blame On Spears
…Well, someone has to.

What is this, celeb fathers running for Father of the Year or something?

Welcome to One Liner News.

Smart comments are more welcome than actual news is here. There’s a One Liner below that’s not funny and that’s on purpose. You’ll see why…

7-Year-Old Boy Finds $8,900 Worth of Crack Cocaine In His Jacket Pocket
…He could get into worse things – at least he’s not hanging out with Michael Jackson.

Oklahoma Declares Watermelon State Vegetable
…Yet residents seem oddly unaware that a watermelon is actually a fruit.

VA Tech Killer Ruled Mentally Ill By Court; Let Go After Hospital Visit
…That’s called getting away with murder.

Britney Spears Blames Paris Hilton
…Well, somebody has to.

Donkey Becomes Witness in Dallas Dispute
…What a smart ass!

One Liner News! It’s quick, dirty, and free. Kinda like a lot of people these days.

Nine Inch Nails “Year Zero” CD Holds An Interesting Secret
…Wow, something to maybe make you actually want to buy a CD for once!

The VW That Does Nearly 300 mpg
…Somewhere, there’s a sheik who doesn’t like Germans very much right now.

Home Pot Farm Goes Up In Smoke
…You never know who on your block is merely raising ungrateful children and who’s got pot plants under grow lights…Go figure.

Blundering Plumber Burns Down Million-Dollar Mansion
…Even Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” can’t make you feel better after pulling a smooth move like that.

One Liner News!

What a dreary news day…how will we ever make fun of the news on a day like this? Watch us!

TV Shows That Should Be Cancelled
…Why didn’t the TV show with that kid with the hair make the list?

Michael Jordan’s Divorce Most Costly Ever
…Paul McCartney breathes a sigh of relief for now.

Bird Flies Into Engine of Cheney’s Plane
…Danger Cheney ducks death again!

Actually, we have no idea what kind of bird it was, and it probably wouldn’t have done a thing to Cheney’s plane. But isn’t it eerie how often death and danger cross paths with the VP?

Woman: Bowel Caused Alleged Shoplifting
…We’ve heard of the Twinkie defense, but never the lower intestine defense.

Man Arrested in Feces-Filled Home
…No word on why he was found hanging out alone in Don Imus’s house.

ADOT Projects Will Close Parts of Freeways This Week
…Because our traffic isn’t bad enough as it is.

Here’s our One Liner News for Friday, April 13, 2007. We’re not superstitious, unless listening to Stevie Wonder’s song. Does that count?

Boredom, Bet Lands Kid in College at 12
…Freak! No, seriously, we’re happy for him.

Three Children, And One Teenager Cover Iron Maiden – Doesn’t Suck Either
…Wow, Ozzy’s kids didn’t even do that on their reality show!

The Prospect of All-Female Conception
…Don’t worry, men aren’t obsolete yet; who will do the oil changes?

Julian Lennon Sells Stake in Beatles Songs
…If this has anything to do with getting the songs on iTunes, we’ll be so happy!

One Liner News. No reason.

Tainted Pet Food Still Being Sold, FDA Says
…Oooh, can we feed it to Don Imus?

Man Sentenced For Printing Lewd Stickers
…Don’t worry, our lawyer will have Detour Dan out of jail soon.

White House: ‘We Screwed Up’ On Deleted E-mails
…I guess that’s the only admission of guilt we get for today.

Twitter Trouble
…We’re not touching any jokes about “Twitter Trouble” with a ten-foot pole.

One Liner News! It’s our way of pointing out how stupid the news is really getting. And we’re still like that kid in the class who won’t stop cracking jokes no matter what.

Malicious Online Videos Hurting Teachers
…As if the salary weren’t bad enough!

White House Considers War Overseer
…It’s about time we got one!

One Liner News for Friday! TGIF! You don’t have to admit to anyone you didn’t know what day it is until we told you. This is the page where we make fun of the headlines. If you want gossip, go here .

Southwest Could Become Dust Bowl, Study Warns
…Dust! Yes! That was the one allergy we were missing out on!

How Did David Copperfield Make the Statue of Liberty Disappear?
…Of all the things we have laying around in this country that he could make disappear and he chooses that?

The Rich Are More Oblivious Than You And Me
…Well, that explains Peakerman.

Madonna’s Condo Ray of Light
…How long until she gets her American accent back?

Just watch this. It’s funny.

Today’s One Liner News is brought to you by our wit and smart mouths because there’s nothing else in this world to admit being involved in this…


Vermont Movement Grows To Secede From USA
…Fine with us as long as they let us keep the maple syrup.

Apple StillCan’t Buy Beatles Love
…Either bring the Beatles to iTunes or start giving us vinyl again. Sheesh.


Sony Cuts PlaystationPortable Price From $199 To $169
…Realizing of course that video gamers lack the gainful employment to pay the extra 30 bucks.


Wallet Made Out Of Recycled Cassette Tapes
…No! Not my Wham album!

One Liners News Makes a Triumphant Return! Or just a quickie, simple one. You can't knock that with your attention span, now can you?

Ten Things Your Boss Hates About You…
Number one: spends too much time farting around on the Peak website instead of working.

Why You Should Never Eat Dinner And Dessert At The Same Restaurant…
Finally, an article about restaurant food that doesn’t include a calorie count!

Anna Nicole’s Partner Drops DNA Appeal…
That should narrow it down significantly!

Top Reasons Why The One Liner News Writer Has Been Slacking

Instead of writing the One Liner News she has been filling in for Mary Reilly. She also tried to give up making smart-mouth comments for Lent, but that didn't work either. Then she tried to avoid all news for fear of being exposed to American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar against her will. She found that to be impossible and sees his fro-hawk around every corner. Out of excuses, the One Liner News writer will be back soon with more One Liner News! But first, more slacking...