This is what we did all day today -- came up with a new edition of "One Liner News."

We take actual news headlines we find and make them into something far more interesting.

What not to do while taking a sobriety test…this is probably anything you’re doing right now.

New Nine Inch Nails song found on a USB drive in a bathroom in Portugal…that’s probably the best thing involving Nine Inch Nails we’ll ever find in a public restroom.

Sharapova named U.N. Goodwill Ambassador…fearing competition, Angelina Jolie has built a chastity belt for beau Brad Pitt.

God vs. evolution in Kansas…does this mean Kansas can no longer evolve?

Scalia’s daughter charged with DUI…Bush feels bad for letting Jenna befriend the justice’s daughter.

New ice cream made for Stephen Colbert called Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream…does this make him the next generation’s Jerry Garcia?

Woman jacks a U-Haul and plays demolition derby – word has it her boyfriend forgot it was Valentine’s Day. Actually, that headline was so good we just left it as it was.

Police assault old lady with stun gun for honking…if she were a snowbird from Sun City this would be so much sweeter.

US military tells Jack Bauer to cut out the torture scenes or else. They do know it’s just a TV show, right?

Psychic museum closes due to unforeseen circumstances. Another headline that came ready made. Yeah, there’s no way to improve upon that one.