Mr. Peakerman's Blog

2007-04-26T12:28:00.001-07:00

One Liner News! Because a smart mouth is a terrible thing to waste. Or was that a dirty mind? Whatever.

Pot Shrinks Tumors; Government Knew In ‘74
…The biggest human experiement going would therefore be how many Dead Heads have never experienced a tumor.

Dog Owners ‘Fleeced’ In Poodle Scam
…So thousands have bought sheep they thought were actually poodles…giving new meaning to the famous last words, “I didn’t know it was a sheep at the time!”

Cancer Fighting Drug Found In Dirt
…Always the last place you look!

Russians To Build Tunnel To North America
…Most people just take a cruise to Alaska.

2007-04-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

One Liner News! Making fun of the news one line at a time.

Dude Passed Out on Gas Pedal Blows Up Car
…Talk about a rude awakening…

First Habitable Planet Outisde Of The Solar System Discoverd
…Finally, a place we can put Don Imus, Paris Hilton, and Alec Baldwin.

Music Goodness: 10 Best Bands Of The 90s
…All in all not a bad list.

2007-04-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

One Liner News! One would guess father’s day isn’t happening for a couple celebrity dads…

Robotic Falcons Enlisted To Fight Pigeons
…Because those buggers are that dangerous.

Alec Baldwin Calls Daughter A ‘Rude Thoughtless Little Pig’
…He makes Joe Jackson look like Ward Cleaver to the point that Michael Jackson is almost jealous of the Baldwin kid.

Father Lays Blame On Spears
…Well, someone has to.

What is this, celeb fathers running for Father of the Year or something?

2007-04-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome to One Liner News.

Smart comments are more welcome than actual news is here. There’s a One Liner below that’s not funny and that’s on purpose. You’ll see why…

7-Year-Old Boy Finds $8,900 Worth of Crack Cocaine In His Jacket Pocket
…He could get into worse things – at least he’s not hanging out with Michael Jackson.

Oklahoma Declares Watermelon State Vegetable
…Yet residents seem oddly unaware that a watermelon is actually a fruit.

VA Tech Killer Ruled Mentally Ill By Court; Let Go After Hospital Visit
…That’s called getting away with murder.

Britney Spears Blames Paris Hilton
…Well, somebody has to.

Donkey Becomes Witness in Dallas Dispute
…What a smart ass!

2007-04-18T15:10:00.001-07:00

One Liner News! It’s quick, dirty, and free. Kinda like a lot of people these days.

Nine Inch Nails “Year Zero” CD Holds An Interesting Secret
…Wow, something to maybe make you actually want to buy a CD for once!

The VW That Does Nearly 300 mpg
…Somewhere, there’s a sheik who doesn’t like Germans very much right now.

Home Pot Farm Goes Up In Smoke
…You never know who on your block is merely raising ungrateful children and who’s got pot plants under grow lights…Go figure.

Blundering Plumber Burns Down Million-Dollar Mansion
…Even Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” can’t make you feel better after pulling a smooth move like that.

2007-04-17T10:58:00.001-07:00

One Liner News!

What a dreary news day…how will we ever make fun of the news on a day like this? Watch us!

TV Shows That Should Be Cancelled
…Why didn’t the TV show with that kid with the hair make the list?

Michael Jordan’s Divorce Most Costly Ever
…Paul McCartney breathes a sigh of relief for now.

Bird Flies Into Engine of Cheney’s Plane
…Danger Cheney ducks death again!

Actually, we have no idea what kind of bird it was, and it probably wouldn’t have done a thing to Cheney’s plane. But isn’t it eerie how often death and danger cross paths with the VP?

Woman: Bowel Caused Alleged Shoplifting
…We’ve heard of the Twinkie defense, but never the lower intestine defense.

Man Arrested in Feces-Filled Home
…No word on why he was found hanging out alone in Don Imus’s house.

ADOT Projects Will Close Parts of Freeways This Week
…Because our traffic isn’t bad enough as it is.

2007-04-13T09:58:00.001-07:00

Here’s our One Liner News for Friday, April 13, 2007. We’re not superstitious, unless listening to Stevie Wonder’s song. Does that count?

Boredom, Bet Lands Kid in College at 12
…Freak! No, seriously, we’re happy for him.

Three Children, And One Teenager Cover Iron Maiden – Doesn’t Suck Either
…Wow, Ozzy’s kids didn’t even do that on their reality show!

The Prospect of All-Female Conception
…Don’t worry, men aren’t obsolete yet; who will do the oil changes?

Julian Lennon Sells Stake in Beatles Songs
…If this has anything to do with getting the songs on iTunes, we’ll be so happy!

2007-04-12T19:14:00.001-07:00

One Liner News. No reason.

Tainted Pet Food Still Being Sold, FDA Says
…Oooh, can we feed it to Don Imus?

Man Sentenced For Printing Lewd Stickers
…Don’t worry, our lawyer will have Detour Dan out of jail soon.

White House: ‘We Screwed Up’ On Deleted E-mails
…I guess that’s the only admission of guilt we get for today.

Twitter Trouble
…We’re not touching any jokes about “Twitter Trouble” with a ten-foot pole.

2007-04-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

One Liner News! It’s our way of pointing out how stupid the news is really getting. And we’re still like that kid in the class who won’t stop cracking jokes no matter what.

Malicious Online Videos Hurting Teachers
…As if the salary weren’t bad enough!

White House Considers War Overseer
…It’s about time we got one!

2007-04-06T11:30:00.001-07:00

One Liner News for Friday! TGIF! You don’t have to admit to anyone you didn’t know what day it is until we told you. This is the page where we make fun of the headlines. If you want gossip, go here .

Southwest Could Become Dust Bowl, Study Warns
…Dust! Yes! That was the one allergy we were missing out on!

How Did David Copperfield Make the Statue of Liberty Disappear?
…Of all the things we have laying around in this country that he could make disappear and he chooses that?

The Rich Are More Oblivious Than You And Me
…Well, that explains Peakerman.

Madonna’s Condo Ray of Light
…How long until she gets her American accent back?

Just watch this. It’s funny.

2007-04-03T12:51:00.001-07:00

Today’s One Liner News is brought to you by our wit and smart mouths because there’s nothing else in this world to admit being involved in this…

Vermont Movement Grows To Secede From USA
…Fine with us as long as they let us keep the maple syrup.

Apple StillCan’t Buy Beatles Love
…Either bring the Beatles to iTunes or start giving us vinyl again. Sheesh.

Sony Cuts PlaystationPortable Price From $199 To $169
…Realizing of course that video gamers lack the gainful employment to pay the extra 30 bucks.

Wallet Made Out Of Recycled Cassette Tapes
…No! Not my Wham album!

2007-04-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

One Liners News Makes a Triumphant Return! Or just a quickie, simple one. You can't knock that with your attention span, now can you?

Ten Things Your Boss Hates About You…
Number one: spends too much time farting around on the Peak website instead of working.

Why You Should Never Eat Dinner And Dessert At The Same Restaurant…
Finally, an article about restaurant food that doesn’t include a calorie count!

Anna Nicole’s Partner Drops DNA Appeal…
That should narrow it down significantly!

2007-04-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

Top Reasons Why The One Liner News Writer Has Been Slacking

Instead of writing the One Liner News she has been filling in for Mary Reilly. She also tried to give up making smart-mouth comments for Lent, but that didn't work either. Then she tried to avoid all news for fear of being exposed to American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar against her will. She found that to be impossible and sees his fro-hawk around every corner. Out of excuses, the One Liner News writer will be back soon with more One Liner News! But first, more slacking...

2007-03-16T12:09:00.001-07:00

One Liner News for Friday…of toilets and a Wikipedia faux pas. We can’t think about much else – we’re getting ready for Survivor at Peakerman’s Penthouse tonight!

Richardson to Legalize Medical Marijauna
…All VW buses in America are now traveling towards New Mexico .

Wikipedia Falsely Reports Sinbad’s Death
…Did he bomb that bad – wait, does he even perform anymore ?

Best Toilet Ever
…I can pee clearly now.

2007-03-15T11:56:00.001-07:00

One Liner News about unlikely connections between strippers and really boring things like voting and chess. We know – it’s totally weird and random!

Heather Mills: “I’ll always love Paul.”
…We’d always love anyone who could potentially give us a $56 million divorce settlement too!

Pot Smoker to Keep Fighting
…Now when have you seen a pothead fight anything?

Apathetic Voters Tempted with Free Strip Club Entry
…Extra polling workers now needed to handle expected onslaught of frat boys and middle-aged men desperately trying to cling to their youth.

Carmen Elektra Wipes Out on the Runway
…Marking the first time in ages a sober celeb takes a fall – even Britney can stay upright .

Young Chess Prodigy Runs Away, Lives with Stripper
…We fully expect Murray Head to use this as the inspiration to write “One Night in Bangkok Part 2” -- except technically this would be about nights in Brazil.

Leave a comment and chime in on One Liner News. Heather will blog back and forth with you. Who says the peanut gallery doesn't get to comment? Come on, this is The Peak.

2007-03-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

One Liner News! Heather here, and today it’s from an actual e-mail exchange Mary and I had yesterday.

Remember the One Liner News item from yesterday about the Atari pong t-shirt?

Well, that got Mary and I e-mailing – as we often do instead of working. Whatever you could call “working” at the Peak anyway…

-----Original Message-----
From: Heather the slacking geek
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 9:54 AM
To: Mary and other Peak slackers
Subject: The perfect Peak prize!

Maybe I'm a geek, but this
would be a pretty cool Peak prize...

So then Mary replies:

From: Mary Reilly
Sent: Tue 3/13/2007 11:09 AM
To: Heather the slacking geek
RE: The perfect Peak prize!

Imagine the way it would look on someone who has really big "twins"!!

Then I actually take a moment to think…and come up with this:

-----Original Message-----
From: Heather the funny slacking geek
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 11:02 AM
To: Mary Reilly
Subject: RE: The perfect Peak prize!

Would that make it a big screen?

Thanks, folks, I’m here all week. Tip your bartenders and waitresses. No, really – I am here all week covering for Monica. Except Friday, when we’ll ALL be at Peakerman’s Party!

What, you didn’t get your tickets
?

2007-03-13T10:13:00.001-07:00

One Liner News: Enjoyable Even If You Have ADD. What?

Animated Atari Pong T-Shirt
…Finally, a reason to stare at the IT guy’s chest instead of the secretary!

200 Dogs Killed in India Campaign
…Yet a cow can just meander wherever it wants in India.

Late Mortgage Payments Reach High
…For those that even own homes anymore.

2007-03-12T12:49:00.001-07:00

True One Liner News of only one line:

Former President Bush Hospitalized After Collapsing
…Dang, and our money was on Cheney.

2007-03-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

One Liner News, with an extra line thrown in once in a while because we just can’t help it!
Wrestling in Top Spot in Cable Ratings
…And people say they watch the Discovery Channel, yeah right.

Demand for Corn Driving Up Meat Prices
…Going green makes your chicken cost more, go figure.

11 Confessions of a T-Mobile Sales Rep
…now that is a random act of kindness!

Priests to Purify Site After Bush Visit
…Wonder what lengths they’d go to if ‘Danger Cheney’ paid a visit? Cheney wanted to go but they wouldn’t allow it pointing out that wherever he goes, people get maimed or killed.

Cherry Blossoms to Peak by Festival
…Wait, how are they getting the cherry trees to the Peak in time for the Tempe Music Festival?

external link
…The singer won’t give up until she falls in love with a Texas cowboy, which is nice because men who saddle up on horses are much better than men who saddle up on bicycles, right?

2007-03-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Today’s One Liner News hits below the belt!

The ‘Burger King’ Will Have His Own Movie
…See, there really will be a worse movie to come along than Mariah Carey’s Glitter.

Obama Pays Parking Tickets Ten Years Late
…giving new meaning to an old cliché: “a day late and a dollar short.”

Calvin Klein’s New Perfume: The Scent of a Blogger
…But who wants to smell like someone sitting in their pajamas at their laptop, incidentally the exact smell of Heather and Steve?

Man Burns Genitals in ‘Jackass’ Stunt
…You know, most normal people try to avoid a burning sensation ‘down there.’

Mr. Bean: Trouser Problems
…A video oddly reminiscent of any night at Peakerman’s penthouse.

Dog Named Lassie Dies Rescuing Elderly Couple From House Fire
…However, Timmy is still stuck in the well.

So sorry about that last one. Couldn’t help it.

2007-03-07T09:41:00.001-08:00

One Liner News makes easy targets of Star Jones Reynolds and George Michael today. Yes, we should be ashamed, very ashamed.

George Michael faces another drug charge
…that’s still an upgrade from other charges he’s faced in the past!

Turkey Censors YouTube
…and an entire country is robbed of lip-synching teenagers and ‘Will it Blend’ hilarity.

Will It Blend?

Elvis Voters Alert Suspicious Minds in New Guinea
…if your daughter were a scientologist, you’d get that far away too.

Naomi Campbell to Scrub New York Floors Over Phone Rage Incident
…We’re just hoping she signs a deal to advertise cell phones over this so we no longer have to watch dweebs in polo shirts on TV.

Star Jones Reynolds Lands at Court TV
...Her show will focus on the connections between law and pop culture, maybe even examining things to not do when Barbara Walters is your boss.

2007-03-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

One Liner News Proves We Aren't Entirely Stupid

One Liner News is our chance to play with real headlines! This ain't CNN, baby.

Barenaked Ladies: New Album Free! No DRM. Now.
…It starts free, but the market drives the prices up, so download FAST!

Test if you are stupid!
…surprisingly, the One Liner News writer is only 26% stupid.

Last chance for Southeast Louisiana.
…dunno – we’ve got dibs on Venice going first.

Cheney popping blood thinners.
…Just when you thought adrenaline-seeking ”Danger Cheney” was all out of ideas, he finds a new way to flirt with death called deep vein thrombosis.

Paper Drops Ann Coulter Column Over Her Use of Slur.
…Meanwhile, Michael Richards is so dang happy he’s no longer the biggest jerk in America, he’s sending Coulter flowers (which will wilt once they are near her).

2007-03-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

It’s the Monday morning weekend-hangover edition of One Liner News. If you’re hung over from the weekend today, this could serve you even better than the hair of the dog that bit you.

Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
…Gustav the ostrich was never the same after being forced to watch hours of Ann Coulter video.

Nudists Sweat it Out at Dutch Gym
…this could give new meaning to “little Dutch boy.”

Twenty-five years ago today, John Belushi died
…no one has come along with a good zit-popping joke since.

Seven Helpful Tips to Immediately Increase Your Confidence
…1) Look in the mirror, realize you aren’t scrawny, mean Ann Coulter and feel really good.

The wiseacre comments listed in One Liner News do not reflect the views of the Peak Staff or its advertisers and wealthy benefactors – Peakerman included. We actually have no idea who writes this stuff or how it gets on our blog. But if it helps you waste your boss’s broadband connection, then it’s all good.

2007-02-27T12:15:00.000-08:00

One Liner News for Tuesday, February 27, 2007!

We offer this up for those of you with no attention spans. It’s made up of actual news headlines we find that we dress up a bit.

Cheney unhurt in Afghan suicide attack…
Our Vice President always goes where the danger is
and comes out fine, surviving trips to war-torn countries and even his own hunting trips.

Italian ambassador hurt in Tamil Tiger attack
…perhaps he needs to take some lessons from Danger Dick Cheney on how to survive anything.

52 Proven Stress Reducers…It’s a nice list but we find it odd that Jimmy Buffett hasn’t written a song about any of the items on the list.

Safety pin and stick freed snatched boy…Never send your kid out the door without a safety pin!

Obese boy gets to stay with mom…Apparently having a fat kid in the UK is a legal matter.

Mom taught kids to fake retardation for benefits scamAnd what’s YOUR financial plan?

2007-02-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

One Liner News -- Monday Weekend Hangover Edition

(That means we didn't work too hard on this).

After Guinness Nod to Indian Chili, Woman to Set Record Eating it…undoubtedly she will also set a record
for eating Maalox not long after.

Stand-In Mistress Sought to Take Wife’s Abuse…Only in China will a man place an advertisement looking for someone to beat up his mistress so his wife won’t hurt her!

Thirteen Places to Watch TV Online for Free…and the Internet killed the TV
star?

Twenty-five Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age…”It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat” is our favorite.

2007-02-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

Mr. Peakerman Knows-It-All About...Web 2.0

It's the latest buzzword -- "Web 2.0," but what the heck does it mean? It takes a culutural anthropologist from Kansas State University to explain it to us in the video below. Maybe you'll learn something to impress your boss.

2007-02-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

This is what we did all day today -- came up with a new edition of "One Liner News."

We take actual news headlines we find and make them into something far more interesting.

What not to do while taking a sobriety test…this is probably anything you’re doing right now.

New Nine Inch Nails song found on a USB drive in a bathroom in Portugal…that’s probably the best thing involving Nine Inch Nails we’ll ever find in a public restroom.

Sharapova named U.N. Goodwill Ambassador…fearing competition, Angelina Jolie has built a chastity belt for beau Brad Pitt.

God vs. evolution in Kansas…does this mean Kansas can no longer evolve?

Scalia’s daughter charged with DUI…Bush feels bad for letting Jenna befriend the justice’s daughter.

New ice cream made for Stephen Colbert called Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream…does this make him the next generation’s Jerry Garcia?

Woman jacks a U-Haul and plays demolition derby – word has it her boyfriend forgot it was Valentine’s Day. Actually, that headline was so good we just left it as it was.

Police assault old lady with stun gun for honking…if she were a snowbird from Sun City this would be so much sweeter.

US military tells Jack Bauer to cut out the torture scenes or else. They do know it’s just a TV show, right?

Psychic museum closes due to unforeseen circumstances. Another headline that came ready made. Yeah, there’s no way to improve upon that one.

2007-02-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

Someone besides the Dixie Chicks won Grammy Awards too!

Disclosure: It’s not that we hate the Dixie Chicks because we don’t hate anybody. That would be un-Peaklike. But that wasn’t supposed to be the CMA’s last night… Just sayin’.

Our Peak artists fared rather well with Bob Dylan picking up the Grammy for Solo Rock Vocal Performance for Someday Baby. The Red Hot Chili Peppers did the best out of all our favorites and we’re so happy about that. They won two awards for Dani California -- Duo or Group with Vocal and Rock Song. They also picked up the Best Rock Album Grammy for their double album, Stadium Arcadium.

John Mayer proved lucky (and not for dating Jessica Simpson either) winning the Male Vocal Solo for Waiting on the World to Change. The song came from his latest album, Continuum, which also won a Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album. Fellow Phoenician Peter Frampton also picked up a Grammy Award last night for Best Pop Instrumental Album for Fingerprints.

It would have been nice to see Tom Petty pick up an award, but the Dixie Chicks probably would have beat him too somehow. We feel somewhat miffed today about all that Dixie Chicking that went on last night.

To add insult to injury, Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwood covered The Eagles. At least Underwood covered Desperado, a song covered by some country artist before but we can’t remember who it was. We just wanted to hear a girl do that one. The Peak Staff were starting to get concerned Rascal Flatts was getting carried away, although their rendition of Life in the Fastlane was good.

Last but certainly not least, we must talk about The Police reunion! Did it not leave you wanting more? Were you not shaking your head in disbelief as they ran off the stage after performing Roxanne saying to yourself, “That’s it?”

The very first words spoken at the Grammy Awards last night were from Sting: “We’re the Police and we’re back!” They were the sweetest words a Peakerhead has heard in a long time (aside from anything related to Peakerman’s upcoming party).

Guess we’ll put up with the Chicks if we can at least have one of the best bands of all time reunite after 23 years. And that is exactly how we shall choose to remember the 49th Annual Grammy Awards – it was the night The Police reunited.

2007-02-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Here's a "Big Game" commercial I like. I love it when old ladies attack.

I also like it when young ladies attack!

Remember this one? I thought it would be nice to post as you're all running out to buy your Vista...

Here's a preview of this weekend's Budweiser commercials!

A leaked Apple commercial from this weekend!

Here's a Nationwide commercial also leaked prior to the weekend's sporting festivities.

Hey, at least the fellow has a job now. I think I'd like some of those fries...

2007-02-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

Here's my favorite "Big Game" commercial

Too bad it was banned...

2007-01-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

Here's hoping your bright, shiny, lucky day doesn't turn to poo.

2007-01-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

Be careful surfing the Internet!

This video is very disturbing and shows what happens if you mistakenly type "goggle" into your browser instead of "google." There oughtta be a law...

2006-12-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

My new year's resolution: learn to play guitar

This is it -- this is the year I dust off my collection of Les Pauls and Fender Stratocasters. In 2007, I will learn how to play guitar. It is my goal to play The Rolling Stones Brown Sugar!

2006-12-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

A Christmas Poem by Mr. Peakerman

T’was the Night Before Christmas…

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the station, not a disc jockey stirred for they were on vacation…

The stockings were hung by the transmitter with care, in hopes that St. Peakerman soon would be there.

The DJs were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of HD radios danced in their heads.

And Detour Dan in his kerchief, and Scotty wearing his golf hat, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the gravel-filled driveway there arose such a clatter, the two men sprang from their bed to see if St. Peakerman had gotten fatter.

Away to the window they flew like a flash, knocking over records from Journey, Lee Michaels, The Clash!

They mooned the neighborhood and a rooster began to crow. White butt cheeks gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When what to their wandering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight medium reindeer!

With a little old driver, so lively and gay, they knew in a moment it must be St. Peakerman – and his Mercedes Benz sleigh!

More rapid than eagles, his reindeer, they came! And he whistled and shouted and called them by name!

Now Amy! Now Mary! Now Monica! And Mini!

On Steve! On Heather! On Scotty and Detour Dan!
To the top of the patio! To the top of the wall!

Now prance away! Dance away! Boogie down all!

As dry leaves during the wild haboob do fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the station top the reindeer they flew,

With a sleigh full of records and St. Peakerman too!

And then in a tinkling we heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each Prada-clad hoof,

As Scotty drew in his hand and was turning around, still in the buff and with a gut so round,

Down the chimney St. Peakerman came with a bound!

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, complete with red PETA paint, his clothes tarnished with soot;

A bundle of Peak swag he’d flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his sack.

His eyes without crow’s feet, his dimples, how merry,

His plastic surgery seemed to be working, his nose like a cherry,

His fat little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was not white as the snow;

The result of much Grecian formula with Scottsdale’s whitest teeth,

The smell of patchouli and a happy aura encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed like watching Regis and Kelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

He should start working out with Steve to get rid of that shelf;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose, (kinda like Whitney Houston, but in a good way),

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his Mercedes sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,

But Scotty heard him explain as he drove out of sight,

Merry Reilly to all and to all a good night!

2006-12-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

A Peakerman Christmas Essential Ingredients:

1. Nog. Lots of nog.
2. Champagne snow cones. Just remember never to eat yellow snow…
3. A Peak ice scraper. Just in case.
4. Cookies for Santa Claus.
5. Golf clubs and Bermuda shorts.
6. Back issues of the Robb Report and a hot toddy…
7. Luminarias, a chiminea, and a Santa hat for my favorite, prize-winning golden barrel cactus.
8. Tip money in crisp bills for all my minions.
9. Cookies for me.
10. The names of a few good charities to get in those last tax write-offs before new years.
11. Last but not least, the Peak Christmas Channel. It plays only songs I like. I picked them out.

What are your essential Christmas ingredients?

2006-12-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

I think I smell a "Do They Know It's Christmas" part deux...

Did you hear? The Killers think they are Band Aid! Their new single, A Great Big Sled, will raise money for Bono's Red campaign which goes to the Global Fund. Start studying the lyrics now so you can sing along when it's released in just over a week:

"I wanna roll around like a kid in the snow / I wanna re-learn what I already know / I wanna take flight / dress in red in the night / on a great big sleigh / And I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas."

Be ready for the fun lyrics and sleigh bells to hit iTunes around the 11th. Of course, Bono knows about all this. He and the boys of U2 have been in the audience at a few Killers shows, you know. So he's well aware that the song will be raising money for his Red campain.

2006-11-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do a turkey drop this year until the Peak staff showed me this classic episode of WKRP.

2006-11-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

Advice from me.

Don't be the dork that drives away with drinks, calculators, papers, phone, wallet, PDA, or briefcase on top of his car. Consider this free advice your public service announcement from me, Peakerman.

2006-11-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry, 24 fans, but this guy totally licks Jack Bauer!

I have very few heroes, but David Caruso with these one liners...now that is hard to beat. He's almost as cool as me.

2006-11-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

Give thanks, give blood, save lives and get Phoenix Symphony tickets!

You know, it's not a bad deal. We should all be giving blood if we can do so! Now we're actually getting bribed with tickets to see the Phoenix Symphony and when is that last time you went there? Blood and music are vital to our Peakerhead community so hop to it! Details are below:

United Blood Services, Arizona’s largest non-profit community blood provider, has partnered with The Phoenix Symphony for a special Thanksgiving event to build blood supplies. The collaboration was announced today to encourage the public to “Give a Lifesaving Performance” by donating blood November 22 - 27. Every donor will receive a voucher for two tickets to a Phoenix Symphony performance.

Thanksgiving is the longest extended holiday weekend of the year for many donors, making it one of the most difficult times of the year to meet patient blood needs. In Arizona, more than 700 blood donors are needed every day. United Blood Services, which provides 92 percent of Valley blood supplies, is asking people to take just one hour out of their holiday plans to save lives by giving blood. “As we celebrate our health and well-being with family, it is important to remember that patients are relying on a plentiful blood supply so that they can celebrate another holiday with their families as well,” said Audrey Gietzen, Executive Director for United Blood Services/Arizona.

The Phoenix Symphony’s annual Thanksgiving partnership with United Blood Services began in 2002. Over the past four years, the campaign has inspired nearly 9,000 people to donate blood during the holiday week. “We look forward to using our resources to encourage the gift of life,” said Maryellen Gleason, President and CEO for The Phoenix Symphony. “We understand why this time of year is so critical for Arizona hospital patients and treasure the opportunity to bring music to blood donors in appreciation for saving lives.”

For an appointment to give blood at any of the following United Blood Services locations, donors may call 1-877-448-GIVE (4483) toll-free or visit their website.

Valley Mall Locations:

Fri. & Sat., Nov. 24 & 25, 11 a.m. – 4 p.m.

Fiesta Mall -- Bus at Entry 2 near Sears

Paradise Valley Mall -- Bus at North Patio between the Food Court and Parking Garage

Superstition Springs Center -- Bus at entry between Sears and Mervyn’s

United Blood Services Donor Centers

Wed. – Mon., Nov. 22 - 27
Days & Hours Vary. Appointments are recommended.

Chandler -- 1987 W. Elliot Rd., #33 (Elliot & Dobson)

Glendale -- 18583 N. 59th Ave. (59th Ave. & Union Hills)

Mesa -- 1337 S. Gilbert Rd., #101 (Gilbert & Hampton)

Phoenix -- 5757 N. Black Canyon Hwy. (I-17 & Bethany Home Rd.)
3227 E. Bell Rd., #D-270 (Bell & 32nd St.)
2929 N. 75th Ave., #5 (75th Ave. & Thomas)

Scottsdale
1405 N. Hayden Rd. (Hayden & McDowell)
15170 N. Hayden Rd., #6 (Hayden & 83rd Pl.)

2006-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

Alice's Restaurant Alert!

It's that time of year again...you can catch Alice's Restaurant this Sunday morning between 7-10am on the Acoustic Storm.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

At 18:20, this thing is longer than Paradise by the Dashboard Light and Inagoddadavida!

Well, it's a Thanksgiving tradition and Jeff Parets is playing the song on the Acoustic Storm this Sunday morning. So Happy Thanksgiving. And remember: you can get whatever you want at Alice's Restaurant.

2006-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

A Peakerhead Stones Experience…or how I went to see the Stones and ended up in the men’s room.

Heather here. Thought I'd take over Peakerman's blog for a second with some of my deep thoughts and horrible camera phone photos!

I took my boyfriend as my hot date last night to see the Stones because he’d never seen them before. (This is probably something I should have asked about before it got serious, right?)

So began our love-to-hate affair with Cardinals Stadium, or whatever it is supposed to be called. I can’t keep up. I know Glendale wanted some love in a big way, but this is ridiculous. Did anyone stop to think about how hard it would be to make it to a 7:00 concert on the West side of town in traffic? Apparently not, but what’s done is done.

Note to faithful concert-going Peakerheads: take off an hour or so early from work when going to see a concert at the new Cardinals Stadium.

We left at 5:00 pm to get on the 101 at Cave Creek and ended up taking surface streets the whole way there and managed to have a quick bite at Sweet Tomatoes before the show. Because nothing says rock n’ roll like a salad.

Before I bash the new stadium too much, I will say its stock goes back up in my mind every time I think of the free parking. Even if the guys ushering us to the parking made us park way out at 77 East when there were plenty of available spots much closer. Ticket-taking, frisking and purse-searching took forever and that’s when I realized the Stadium had employed all of Sun City.

Note to Cardinals Stadium’s HR department: Snowbirds come here to spend their retirement money. We are not supposed to give them jobs.

We were then having a hard time trying to make it to our seats in 222 when my boyfriend -- to his credit -- asked for directions. The Stadium guy we asked told us to take the elevator at “the next tunnel.” So we walked down the next tunnel, which ended in me getting a peek at some urinals and a high-five from a guy who was making fun of me for being in the men’s room.

Fast forward to finally making it to our seats and the first notes of No More Mr. Nice Guy and me feeling like a school girl as I finally got to see Alice Cooper do a true arena-rock show. I‚Äôve seen Alice only in small venues around town, so this was the ultimate treat.

Sound was awesome, the roof was open, and Alice was fantastic doing Lost in America, Dirty Diamonds, Poison, School’s Out, Billion Dollar Babies and more. He even had some demonic dancing girls, which I think should be at any concert, anywhere. He played for about an hour and I was just struck by his energy and theatrical persona on stage. I hope to see him play Cardinals Stadium again soon!

I wonder if he went out golfing today and how his game was?

Then there were the Stones! Ah, how I love going to see the Stones and I hadn’t gone in probably about eight years. You know when you’re going to see the Stones that the show will be a perfect entertainment spectacle. My boyfriend and I were just in awe of the setup alone before the show even began. I knew all it would take for me to get some satisfaction was to hear Start Me Up and we did.

They were right on musically, as my bassist boyfriend pointed out like the overgrown band nerd he is. And the sound. Oh, that sound. I thought the place sounded great and again, I was sitting in 222, so if your experience differed, let me know. There was really no better way to break in the Valley’s newest concert hall than with the Stones. There is a God, and he or she rocks.

My longtime love and admiration for Keith Richards was renewed last night as well. I think Larry Rodgers of the Arizona Republic says it best when he says Richards could be Johnny Depp’s father in Pirates of the Caribbean.

He was the same old Keith -- I still couldn’t understand much of what he was saying into the microphone. But his charisma was clearly apparent, cigarette hanging from his lips as he played his guitar as though the simple act of playing his song were fixing every ill in the free world and beyond.

Mick Jagger, King of the Baby-Daddies, was in stellar form as he bounced around the stage like the contents of Anna Nicole Smith's bra trying to settle. It was clear to me the Stones are still not settling down into grandfather-hood without a fight. Ticket sales were rough for this show, so I don’t see them doing another tour next year. But if they did, they’d still have enough juice to put on a good show like they did last night.

Loved the stage, have no idea how you got to sit within the stage structure itself to see the show. I’m not sure I would have wanted to sit there because I think those people missed the pyrotechnics and only got to see the Stones’ backs. Plus, they were definitely getting robbed when the Stones carted the stage down the catwalk to the other end of the stadium mid-show. The video screen they had in the center of the stage -- now that was the Bigger Bang! Think during the off-season Mick fires it up at home to watch home videos of all his kids and their supermodel moms?

Share your thoughts, add your own review; this is a blog afterall!

That’s it for me, Heather. Thankyoufalettinme be myself. Again.

Heather AT 987thepeak.com

2006-11-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

Mr. Peakerman's e-mail tip #73:

I know this is a lot coming from a guy who has his assistant read his e-mail and reply for him. So I'll let the very funny Mark Day take over from here.

2006-11-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

Billy Joe's guitar

Here's everything you wanted to know about the guitar Billy Joe Armstrong of Green Day uses. I think I'll buy one in each color.

2006-10-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

Here is the next installment of the Peak reality series

...Not that we're so heavily ensconced in reality or anything. Steve just has this new camera and he won't put it down.

See how much work Steve does around here? And is that Johnny Roxx guy on the payroll?

2006-10-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

This gentleman probably needs to meet a young lady...or if he had one, she probably left because he was spending too much time with his pool table. Ahh...but the man has talent! I saw some similar tricks one night at a pub in London:

2006-10-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm really straying from the aspect of musical genius with this blog post. This YouTube video begs the question, "Why?" It's still kind of funny though.

2006-09-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Today, let's appreciate a true musical genius...Weird Al Yankovic.

I have always been a fan of Weird Al. That is why I was overjoyed to discover he has new videos out! One is called "White and Nerdy," and I think it was inspired by Bill Gates:

And as we prepare to polka-round Oktoberfest, who could resist a good polka? Not us here at the Peak! Leederhosen on! Here's Weird Al's "Polkarama!"

It gives new meaning to the idea of "Remix!" And it makes me want to get down and get funky. In fact, that is what I am doing right now. He has a new album out and plenty of new videos as well!

2006-09-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

by karabishop

I voted today and was very tickled with the "write-in" option, so I wrote in Steve Douglas for mine inspector. I don't think Steve would make a good mine inspector at all. I just wrote it in thinking maybe he would win if we got enough people to write it in. So write-in Steve Douglas for mine inspector on your ballots today! Don't tell him either; if he wins, I want it to be a surprise. Just picture Steve's face on this guy's neck:

by lilolewine

2006-09-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

How I spent my summer vacation:

It didn't have room service and Steve Douglas kept stealing my beer! But during my time at Lake Pleasant this summer, I got to get back to nature while trying out my new boat. Now that I'm back from my holiday, I will be focused on putting you on my Peak Payroll. I can assure you, you've never had a boss like me before! I'll pay you $125 an hour to not do a dang thing. And how much is your boss paying you now and to do what, may I ask...Am I prying? I've been told I'm nosy sometimes.

2006-03-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I am finally recoved from that outstanding party on St. Patty's Day. What a view, 37 Floors above the Phoenix City Lights. John Waite was OUTSTANDING!!! I'm hoping to post my bootleg video from his performance on The PEAK Website soon. Thanks to all the folks who made it out to the party...I'm already thinking about where we should have next year's party. Any suggestions, please let me know.

(everyone was watching my attempt at stage diving)

2006-03-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

So, we were all discussing what to wear to the BIG Party this Friday. You know John Waite will be preforming...

Here's a pic of my outfit. Let me know what you think.

Peakerman

2006-02-23T12:08:00.001-08:00

OK, I was at the Olympic Gift Shop here in Torino today. Just looking for a few gifts for the Kids back at The PEAK. It was quite the adventure...Here's what I bought for who...

Scott Drake...A Collector Spoon of Wyoming, it's amazing you can get those here
Mary Reilly...A jug of Wesson Olive Oil...the best Olive Oil comes from Italy
Steve Douglas...A set of Holiday Inn Towels
Monica Nelson...A Platex Baby Rattle
Mini Salas...Some delicious Salsa from Mexican Restaurant in Italy
Joel...A Mercedes key chain...the Italian's make a great car
Anthony the web guy...An Autographed Baseball from Luis Gonzales...pricey but nice
For myself...a solid gold Cow Bell...NICE!!

I'll be back in Phoenix in a few days...so, clean up the mess.

PEAKERMAN

2006-02-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

I went out party hopping last night. Ended up at Bruce Jenner's "I got kicked off of Skating with Celebrities" Party. David Hasselhoff showed up and just had to sing (see pic). Why do the German's love him so much...I just don't get it. It must be in the water over there.

2006-02-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

So I decided to have some friends over today for a little, "To Do". Just a little place I own over here. It's the first time I've been here, I needed to buy some warm clothes...I forgot it was in the mountains. Sandles and Shorts just didn't cut it.
I'll be going to the Olympic Gift Shop later to buy some goodies for the gang back at the radio station. I hope they are not playing Pot Belly Pig races in the hallway like the last time I took a trip.

PEAKERMAN

2006-02-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hello once again from Torino Italy.

It's amazing to see all of the sites. I stumbled upon this old building last night. I still can't believe how many old buildings are over here.

More to come...

2006-02-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

Any ideas for the web...Send them to our Web-Master, Anthony...see pic

2006-02-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

Oh, and by the way...if you have any great ideas for promotions. Please feel free to send them to Jim Sim our Promo Director! (see picture)

2006-02-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Hope you're enjoyng the NEW PEAK Website. After many grueling hours watching our Internet Department (see picture) create this new site, I am very proud. I can even "BLOG" where ever I am in the world. For example, today I am in Torino, Italy. Which is a coincidence...The Olympics are going on here too. Quite exciting!!!

Feel free to post to my "BLOG"...still not sure what BLOG means, but it's FUN.